Tuesday was the snowiest day in recent Chicago history, so it didn't really surprise me when my work phone rang and it was Mother. Without saying "hello," she cut to the chase: "Why are you still at work?" I laughed and told her the roads really weren't that bad--and they weren't--and after bickering together about how unfair it is that I was still at my desk, we moved on to other topics of conversation. At that point I figured, since I had her on the phone, I may as well fill her in.
"Mom, I'm having the Giant over on Friday night."
To which she responded, "Kelly. What are you doing?"
I took a blind leap and told her the stupid truth, "What I want to do."
Quite possibly, my response may have reminded her of my teenage years when she and I would argue about the sanity of my rash decisions. There is one particular fight we both remember clearly which ended abruptly and solidified an understanding between us. I was on my way somewhere, and we were arguing across the kitchen counter, my body half turned toward the exit, spite filling the room in the form of the shaky confidence of a 15-year-olds words. In the middle of my rant, my mother's anger vanished, and suddenly she burst into loud laughter. Dumbstruck, I asked her what was so funny. She responded, "I'm just so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and doing what I taught you, but I just hate that you're using it on me." Fight over.
My words have much the same effect some nine years later, and she immediately changed her tune. She began to ask questions, "What's he been up to? Does he have the same job?" and all the other questions you would expect your mother to ask about a potential significant other.
At any rate, in the midst of our decision to see each other this weekend, we've begun to talk again. Tuesday night we were on the phone for quite some time, and I had been drinking (two glasses of wine over dinner with Mama Bear), so I was feeling relatively talkative and curious. On Wednesday morning I woke up with a weight on my chest, and I immediately assumed that the feeling was linked to the Giant and our Tuesday night talk. Maybe I asked too many questions and was trying too hard to wrap my head around something that just isn't ready to be figured out?
However, usually when I pinpoint the problem, I begin to feel better and work to fix the issue. But in this case, I was still feeling just as downtrodden. I gave it about 20 minutes more thought, and realized that I had another issue that was making me feel guilty. I spoke with my sister, the bride-to-be, on Tuesday night because she was hoping that I would be able to go with her on Saturday to her choice florist shop. The appointment is at 11AM on Saturday, but I was already commissioned to pick my parents up at the airport at 10:20AM. When I spoke to my parents on Wednesday morning, they agreed to take a taxi, and as soon as I told my sister I was available to her, I immediately felt better. Visiting the florist is something a bride shouldn't have to do alone, and more importantly, I want to go with her.
That being said, I've started to worry that I've misinterpreted a lot of my negative feelings. I wonder if because my issues with the Giant were foremost on my mind in the four or five months before the breakup, maybe there were a lot of situations like this one. Something would be bothering me, but instead of giving it much thought, I would assume it was a Giant-related issue. To be truthful, there were a lot of things about our relationship that I didn't like that didn't even necessarily have to do with him. As an example, he lives about an hour north of me, so I spent a good majority of my weekends traveling. I never had to twist his arm to get him to visit me, but we had mutually agreed when we started dating that his house is the better choice, simply because he has a TV and Xbox in his room, and two attractions within spitting distance: a huge mall, and Six Flags: Great America. The TV in my room doesn't even have cable, and there is really nowhere for us to go at my house that doesn't inconvenience my parents.
The reason I've decided to see the Giant is because I am utterly miserable. When I end a relationship, it's over; there is barely any crying and I'm gung-ho about moving on and finding someone shiny and new. (As a sidebar, I talked with one of my brothers about two weeks ago on Google chat and he asked me, to my embarrassment and amusement, "Still single?")
Five weeks later (holy shit, five weeks?), I've decided it's time to stop wondering and just revisit my decision. I'm still confident that it was the right one, but I want to know if he's been using this time like I hope, and I want to assess the probability of a future reconciliation. As I stated in my previous blog post, what I was looking for could not be found if he and I were searching together. We need to grow up separately for a while (he needs to make some changes, and I need to contemplate my feelings about these changes) in order to for us to work together.
It's Friday, so wish me luck!
