Fuck You, Cancer, You Heartless Bitch

For me, mourning a death is one of the most selfish acts I'll ever commit.

On Saturday, the Captain and I attended a funeral for one of his college friends. Her name was Nichole. I won't sully her memory by giving her some silly nickname to protect her identity. I want you to know her name, and I want you to know our short story.

When I first met Nichole, the Captain and I had been dating for about a month. There were plenty of incredibly bright, friendly, and welcoming faces in the kitchen, but I was immediately drawn to Nichole. I sat down next to her with a drink in my hand and wracked my brain for things to say to her, desperate, for whatever reason, for this woman to take a similar interest in me. Through the course of the conversation, guided mostly by the other women at the table, I eventually came to learn she'd traveled abroad to England, and that she was returning there for her overdue honeymoon. This gave us plenty to discuss, and if there was ever a lull in the conversation at the table, I could turn to her and we'd get to chit-chatting again. I pegged her as a quick-witted, hilarious, and kind person.

Over the course of the next six months, the Captain and I would talk about her on occasion. I'd ask how she was doing, and in my naive little mind I just always imagined that she was getting better. I imagined that once she beat this bitch of a disease, I would be able to start scheduling girls nights and all the girls I had met through the Captain could drink wine and watch crappy TV, and gossip and laugh and connect.

Sometimes I'm a real putz.

When Nichole was admitted to the hospital, I was shocked. The Captain had just told me that her white blood cell count was up, what was it, two or three weeks ago? I met him after work and I immediately changed his plans so we could visit her. I bought her a card, and I waffled for hours over what to say. I wanted to tell her it wasn't fair, that I shouldn't have been waiting for her to get better to start our friendship. I should have just called her up, texted her, sent her a Facebook message. Anything. But I couldn't say these things to her. It felt self-centered and heartless to be having a pity party in the face of a young woman who had lost the battle with cancer.

My regret over my actions (or lack thereof) came surging back during her husband's eulogy. He told their beautiful and tragic story, and I found myself laughing between fits of tears. I wanted so badly to know the woman Nichole had been; the loving wife, the perfect sister, the loyal friend, the treasured daughter, the determined fighter. Listening to his story, and the stories of her friends that braved the podium, I learned that she was beautiful, inside and out, and the epitome of everything I strive to be for myself and for the people around me.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I saw Nicole since I met her, and somehow, she managed to take a piece of my heart with her when she left. At her funeral, I felt ridiculous crying alongside the people who had known her for years, built memories with her, loved her, and would ache over her loss for the rest of their lives. I felt like I didn't have the right to be so utterly heartbroken. But I was. And I am. Outside of my own selfish reasons, my heart is in pieces for her family and her friends, all the men and women who I now call my friends.

Somehow, after the service, we managed to be in good spirits. We ate lunch. We gathered at a family member's house down the street from the funeral home. We told stories. We found ways to laugh together. We felt peace, knowing that what her husband said was true, that we are better, our lives are better, because Nichole chose to share hers with us.

What's the Scoop? (1:12)

It just occurred to me that I'm eventually going to have to change the name of these blog posts to something a little more creative. What I'll probably end up with is, "The Stupid Shit That (insert news site [most likely "CNN"] here) Said This Week." For this week though, I'll just go with the same old, "What's the scoop?" with the assumed answer of "poop!"

I'm not sure if you guys heard, but it was really cold this past week. So cold, in fact, that it made the news almost every single day, and by the end of the week, CNN was telling people how dumb they are. (Which is ironic, considering how dumb the writers of CNN can be.) I guess I just find it hilarious that CNN used up space on their website to say, "Yes, it's pretty cold, and you're also pretty stupid."

I think the most frustrating part of this week were those really dumb people who believe that this polar vortex has disproved the theory of global warming. Which, really, how is this still considered a theory? To the point, three days of frigid cold is nothing compared to the string of sweltering hot temperatures we suffered through last summer for weeks on end. Whether or not you want to believe it, our climate is changing. It is a well-documented and heavily researched phenomenon spanning decades, and it will not be disputed and discounted by hordes of uneducated people who believe Neil/Lance Armstrong never landed on the moon. People must understand that "the occasional cold snap [...] doesn't change the overall trajectory of a warming planet. Weather is what happens in the atmosphere day to day; climate is how the atmosphere behaves over long periods of time."

Interestingly enough, TIME magazine actually believes the polar vortex might have helped prove the theory of global warming. They speculate, amongst lots of big meteorological words and other compelling arguments, that the changes in our climate made it possible for the polar vortex to travel far enough south to reach us. TIME does confess that this is a very new idea, and it will take a bit more research to prove this theory.

One last thing, and then I'll stop talking about the weather -- which is something we have somehow managed to move beyond the realm of "small talk," but just for this week.

Did you know that while we were freezing our asses off over here, some pretty serious happenings were taking place elsewhere? Take Australia, for example, where 100,000 bats fell straight out of the sky because of 110 degree temperatures. According to bat specialist Louise Saunders, bats cannot survive temperatures of more than 109 degrees. Between the two events, I'm glad I was in America and not Australia. Bats are adorable, and I have no interest in seeing that happen first-hand.

Fun fact: Did you know that only two percent of the entire world was affected by the polar vortex? Two! That's not a lot. For those of you who like visuals, here is a body builder with 2% body fat:

Okay, you caught me. This image clearly says 3-4%. I couldn't find exactly 2%.
The point is, can YOU spot the fat? No? Yeah, me either.

There were a lot of things I found to be noteworthy this week, but I like to cater to the ADD masses, so I try to keep my posts relatively short. If you have a little more time, consider reading these blurbs and clicking the links. Some of them made me laugh, others made me think, and I hope they do the same for you.

• Did you know that in some places you can be arrested for publicly insulting your nation's leader? This guy called the President of Zambia a sweet potato and was arrested the next day. Really, he could have said a lot worse than that.

• This guy stole a banana from a gas station. He also crashed his car into it. And then he left, apparently satisfied with his incredible theft.

• Man kills stepfather. You know, the regular way, by giving him an atomic wedgie.

• This article about the detrimental effects that lack of sleep can have on you does not fall under the category of "articles that made me giggle" this week. But it was very insightful and worth my time to read.

• Fashion editors are taking a step in the right direction and photoshopping meat onto the bones of dangerously skinny women. Then again, they wouldn't have to go through all that extra work if they'd just encourage their models to eat regularly.

Sources

http://m.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2014/01/06/the-polar-vortex-in-no-way-disproves-climate-change/?tid=pm_local_pop

http://science.time.com/2014/01/06/climate-change-driving-cold-weather/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/08/dead-bats-fall-from-sky-queensland-australia_n_4563450.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

What's the Scoop? (1:05)

This week I want to focus on one of my favorite people out in the world, Pope Francis.

"Look how old and cute I am!"

I am all "amen" and "hallelujah" this week over Pope Francis beginning the revolution of Catholicism. This is not to say that he is reinterpreting the Bible or the teachings of Jesus. He is just taking a very liberal approach toward some of the most controversial issues in the world to date. Seriously, this guy says the darndest things! For example, "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?" and "All religions are true, because they are true in the hearts of those who believe in them."

Because I am completely devoid of any religious affiliation, I can't even fathom how the Catholics are responding to these radical views coming from the mouth of their spokesperson. Having followed his actions pretty closely the past week, from what I understand, the reaction has been pretty positive. My mother was raised Catholic, and having attended more than a few Catholic services in my time, it's hard for me to speak very positively about the way the faith is taught. Instead of telling people that they are sinners, the Pope has turned the focus on all the good that we do as people, which I think is something that needed to happen.

Of course, not everyone is happy with our forward-thinking liberal pontiff. Pat Buchanan has his head sideways up his own ass. I'm sorry, I dislike the man so much that I'm not going to bother trying to please my mother by keeping my swearing to a minimum. (I love you, Mama.)

While reading an article about the Pope's consideration of awarding Paul Walker with sainthood (really?), I had to stop to look up who Pat Buchanan is because all I kept thinking was, "Who the **** is this ******* ass hole?" He's quoted to have said some really naive things, like accusing the Pope's teachings of being "totally wrong - I mean dramatically, embarrassingly, puzzlingly wrong." First of all, you just made up a word. Second of all, you are all that is dramatically embarrassing and puzzling about our society. Pope Francis is showing Catholics, and all people of all religious affiliations the world over that tolerance, love, acceptance, peace, and all those other feel-good intangibles are the only acceptable states of mind. Isn't that what Jesus taught us? Love thy neighbor and all that?

While the Pope's overall message is to promote tolerance, everything he says is still in line with the church's beliefs on homosexuality, abortion, and other controversial issues. He is not guilty of saying insufferably ridiculous and pigheaded things like, "Compared to all this liberal social justice nonsense—which is not the kind of thing Americans expect from a Christian leader like Pope Francis—canonizing Paul Walker is much more agreeable. Mr. Walker was a hard-working, hard-driving personification of our country’s values: blond-haired, blue-eyed, and a millionaire. That’s as American as apple pie." 

Excuse me? Liberal social justice nonsense? And how about your insulting (and racist) depiction of why Paul Walker is a good candidate for sainthood? I could just punch you, Pat Buchanan. But I won't, because I wouldn't want to disappoint the Pope. Really, though, I can't stand you.

Sources

http://diversitychronicle.wordpress.com/2013/12/05/pope-francis-condemns-racism-and-declares-that-all-religions-are-true-at-historic-third-vatican-council/

http://themetapicture.com/finally-a-pope-that-acts-like-a-pope/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/04/the-social-minded-pope-francis-is-a-very-different-kind-of-pontiff.html

http://guardianlv.com/2014/01/paul-walker-to-be-canonized-by-liberal-new-pope-francis/