What is this, hide and seek?

Do you remember a few months ago when I mentioned that I'm really not much of a writer when I'm happy? (See: "Catching Up," which will direct you to "Burying the Past.") Well I guess I should throw in the towel because I can't write when I'm sad either. The last few months have been incredibly difficult for me in both my love life and at work, and I refused to find the time or motivation to put it into words.

Because it's the most difficult topic to talk about, I'll just say it and be done with it: I decided to end my relationship with the Giant. He is the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, and the first boyfriend that my parents have liked since I was in high school. But there were a few essential things missing from the very beginning of our relationship that I thought we could eventually find or create. We both worked very hard to do so, the Giant most of all, but for whatever reason it just wasn't enough. This made me begin to wonder if maybe what's missing can't be found by two people working together, so I've started to put a lot of stock into that shitty little phrase, "Find yourself."

For those of you who know me or have read a single one of my blog posts, this will not come as a shocker: I've never been single. I've been chasing boys since I was old enough to understand that cooties are made up and that having butterflies in my stomach is weird but kinda fun. Now I think that the reason I can't find what I want with the Giant is because I have no idea what I want. I have no idea how to be happy with me.

So far (a whopping 32 hours), it's been pretty difficult to commence with the "finding myself" considering I'm burying myself beneath games on my android, Walmart $5-bin movies, and countless episodes of Castle. Maybe I'll stop hiding later when it doesn't hurt so badly. Or maybe it'll stop hurting so badly when I finally stop hiding and just let myself feel.

At any rate, the other reason I've been monstrously unhappy is because I was beginning to hate my job. For the first time ever, I woke up one day in January and thought, "I do not want to go to work." These words have never passed my lips on a Sunday night, nor have they crossed my mind on a Monday morning. At least, not in earnest. So for the past month I've been cheating on Wells Fargo with another bank (henceforth known as "Bank Name"), going to interviews and even going so far as to accept a new position. Except, when I went in to my boss's office to give him my letter of resignation he said, "Nope!"

Well, not really. He just asked why I was leaving and where I was going. When I told him Bank Name, he asked if I had some time that day to speak with a manager who'd left Bank Name to come to Wells. He had this manager call me on her day off to talk me about the differences between Bank Name and Wells. After hearing my issues with our site, he wanted to remind me that we are changing things up in a big way. The changes are very exciting and I could not be happier to be staying. It's not my place to share what's occurring, I think, until it's actually occurred so I'll just leave it there for now.

Considering the present circumstances, it's a crappy analogy but it's all I've got: Wells Fargo is my boyfriend. I never wanted to leave him, but I felt like it was my only choice. I'd been very unhappy for a few months and things weren't getting better. But then Wells Fargo decided to choose a different path toward making us an independent and self-sustaining site. This is all I've ever wanted from Wells. In August they removed "Interim" from our title, but there was still a lack of permanency that came with not being a Wells Fargo campus. It was a stroke of luck and good timing, but it's working out for me and Wells now.

I wish I could say the same for myself and the Giant. But maybe after I do my soul-searching, something good will happen. And if not, this is the first time I'll openly wish for an ex-boyfriend to find a happiness that surpasses the power of words.