In the Aftermath

Since the Giant and I split, I’ve taken the past three weeks to asses myself based not just on my relationship issues with him, but all of my failed relationships. Interestingly enough, I’ve come to find that my issue isn’t that I don’t know what I want, but that I don’t stand by those wants and communicate them to my partner. Instead I try to compromise and see if we can work together toward a common goal. Needless to say, it’s an unhealthy practice that inevitably leads to a broken and unsalvagable relationship.

I spoke with one of my coworkers who I’ll call Miss Love. She is 27 years old, has been with the same man for 6 years, and is happily engaged to be married this summer. Before her current boyfriend her dating history was a lot like mine, which is to say that neither of us has ever really been single. In talking to her about my predicament with the Giant, she told me it is very important to find out what I want in whatever way works from me, be it singledom or trial and error. The only thing that is important is to learn from my experiences and build a foundation of “makes and breaks.” If you have a clear understanding of what you want, you’re going to waste a lot less time. It seems obvious to say, but I have wasted so much time.

That being said, I have always had a very firm foundation of what is important to me. To name a few highlights: he must be independent, share a similar sense of humor, be fiscally responsible, share similar parenting views, and be kind, patient and tolerant. These things have always been on my list, but it wasn’t until the Giant that I realized that I need to be strong enough to express these things and stick by them. I kept putting myself into these unique situations, and through lack of experience I wouldn’t defend my knowledge of myself. For instance, let’s examine a “break” of mine, like “quick to anger.” I’ve always known I don’t want a man who is hot-headed, but because I’ve never experienced this first-hand, I might think to myself, “Maybe I can handle it.” For a while I’ll tolerate it and think, “Well, if I tell him I don’t like it he might stop.” But that’s really not something you can fix quickly, let alone fix it at all in some cases. You have to be willing to stick with this person and help them through it, and then it would no longer be categorized as one of your makes/breaks.

And don’t mistake “knowing what you want” with “picky” or “difficult to please.” Heaven forbid you have a clear definition of what you will NOT put up with, and which things you can be flexible about. Take for example a scenario Miss Love and I cooked up: there is a 35-year-old man with a daughter, and he lives at home with his mom. Most women, understandably, would run in the other direction. But what if that man is living at home to save money to send his daughter to college, and is waiting to move out for the right woman? To a lot of women, that might be a situation they’re willing to try and make work. Consider your limits and make a decision, but don’t treat it as a project. Feel free to support him, but don’t carry him.

In short, know what you want and be strong enough to say so. Do not compromise, and don’t let anyone—especially you—get in your way of finding the person who is right for you.