Because I've been going through a dry spell, here are some thoughts that I frequently have, but I’m not really sure how to turn them into a full blog. They cross my mind a lot, but I don’t focus on them for any length of time.
Marriage—So many of my friends are engaged or are already married. (Congratulations to my beautiful sister, by the way, who just became engaged this past weekend!) I wonder what it would be like to spend the vast majority of my time outside of work with the same person day after day for many years, possibly even the rest of my years. Am I capable? I think of how selfish I am with my time and my money, and I wonder if “willing” to compromise will translate into “able” when the time comes.
Money—Before this job became permanent (which just happened this past August, yay me!), I was constantly worried about saving money. And even though the job title is permanent, that doesn't really relieve me of these worries. I still wonder how much money I should save for a trip before I fulfill my travel plans? After all my bills are subtracted from my paycheck, how much can I put in my savings account and still afford to treat myself? Though I love long vacations that take months of planning and saving, I am very much an instant gratification type of person—my vices are books, eating out, and hair-care products. However, I do realize that if money were to become tight those are the exact things I would have to give up. No matter what, I am determined never to fall backward into that nightmarish place where the best you can do is “make ends meet" and hope that some amazing miracle happens and money is suddenly in abundance for no apparent reason.
Losing Weight—Not only do I feel horrible about my body image (I swear I get more malicious toward myself with every pound lost), I am also concerned with my health. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to buy a larger pant-size, but it’s also embarrassing to have to go through the wiggle dance every morning to try and shimmy my pants over my hips. Lately I’ve been struggling with Weight Watchers, and I think it started in Minnesota. I went to MN specifically for a restaurant, so I really wasn’t watching what I ate during vacation. I’m having a hard time losing that weight now, and really struggling to keep it off once I do lose it. I feel more lost than I did before I was part of a program with a support group! I’ve started to consider working out, but that is a painful experience, even though I use all of the inhalers prescribed to me. (For those of you who don’t know, I have acute asthma with three triggers: cold weather, cigarette smoke, and exercise.) At any rate, three months ago I hit the weight I told myself I would NEVER reach, and I’m determined not to go back down that road.
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| Let's just say the Giant and I were incredibly liberal in our food choices. |
Family vs. Love Life—This past April I was faced with the difficult decision of going to Florida with my parents, or the Giant and his family. Of course I chose to visit Disney World for the first time in ten years because it’s what I wanted to do. But I was worried about the affect my decision would have on my family’s feelings. In this situation, there are no serious consequences because my parents would rather I have the experience that’ll make me the happiest. What about holidays, though, where do I spend those? The Giant brought this idea up the other day, and I grazed right over it. No thanks, not a thought I want to have right now. I don’t like disappointing my family, even though I’m a big girl and can do whatever I want, which they constantly remind me. But that doesn’t liberate me of guilt.
Next time I will post about my adventures in Minnesota with the Giant. Maybe I'll even throw a few overdue pictures up there from Disney World!
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